Mom's Death + Service + Photos

I have been dreading this day--the day I would need to write about my mother's death. On the other hand, it affected so much that happened in 2023 that I have been writing about it for a while now--as long as I have been writing about that year at all. The year 2023 started out with my mom's last trip--a cruise to Cabo San Lucas. Unfortunately, my mom always hated cruises. At least that is what she said. She seemed to enjoy our big cruise through the Panama Canal, but not enough to change her pronouncement of cruises in general. Less than a year later we were on a cruise to Mexico with our whole family except my dad. The difference that 9 months made was stark. She was not nearly as strong and able to be up and doing things. I am surprised to say this because the Panama Canal trip was not when I would have considered her strong and able to do things. But she still seemed to have good moments on that trip: Darcy and she giggling in bed. Darcy making her laugh while eating at the dining rooms. Watching the kids swim and taking a selfie together. Seeing that humpback whale put on a show of a lifetime. It is a good memory. 

Later, maybe around March, mom stayed with us for a week or so, and we had a good visit. She was still able to get up and down the stairs. We went to Costco together and even bought some plants. She watched a movie with the kids, and we had a tea party. It was a good visit for her to be with us. 

In April we tried to have her come visit again. It was different by then. This was the first time ever that she didn't rally with energy when she came to visit us. But it wasn't just a lack of energy. She had severe stress and anxiety. She would get panicky several times a day, even in the same conversation. Instead of sleeping late, she woke early, panicked that she needed to do something. It was awful. Dad was not giving her the anti anxiety medicine regularly, and we were told that it would take like 8 weeks of regular dosing to become effective. Eight weeks seemed like an eternity. Mom was so miserable and upset all of the time. The only thing that could calm her down was for Darcy or the kids to come in and talk to her or distract her with something. It was a real shock to me. I cried and cried about how changed she was. 

This anxiety problem increased and my sister got involved. My dad got trained on how to help her calm down, but as much as we tried to improve her meds or administration of the meds, she continued to crash into more and more panic and anxiety. 

Around Mother's Day it was determined that she needed to be on Hospice, which was difficult because Mom had always hated hospice so much. It felt like I was betraying her by not protesting to that decision. No one ever told her that she was on Hospice just that some "Home Health" people would come help her several times a week. 

The last time she came to our house was for Holland's baptism. I can't tell you how much I regret not getting more photos that day. But she came. She and Dad were there for the service and stayed for the luncheon. 

In June we had a father's day dinner at my parents house, half in their garage and half in their driveway. My mom was able to come outside and eat at the picnic tables with all of us. Once again I don't have photos, which I regret. This was the last family gathering that we had with her. Ironically it was during this visit we had a big family meeting about how to work out another round of trips with her. When and how could we take her somewhere. I printed out calendars and tried to figure out a time, when I heard from Kayla that she was declining fast. 

I had no idea how fast. We visited her near the beginning of July then again on July 24th when we came back from our quick trip to San Francisco. At that point she cuddled Darcy and engaged with her. Occasionally though she would try to get up and panic that she couldn't remember what she was supposed to do. She just wanted to be up, but didn't have the physical ability to get up. This became a real problem when she would try to get up at night and would fall to the floor. My dad couldn't get her up and spent the night on the floor with her. It is funny how time moved so slowly and so quickly during this time. We talked with Hospice about getting some rails on the sides of her bed, but by the time they actually got them installed, my mom couldn't really even sit up anymore. It was so sad. 

The anxiety got so bad that her meds kept needing to be increased. This led to more and more sleeping on her part. 

This photo of my mom was taken just six days after the last one. She couldn't keep her eyes open, but she could still smile and talk a little back. Darcy still climbed up on the bed with her and gave her a bit "I LOVE you!" My mom really liked the beef stroganoff I made and kept calling it yummy while I fed her. 

On August 2nd, I had my last real conversation with my mom. It was so tender. She was so weak and could hardly stay awake, but she told me the dinner was delicious. She also told me she loved me a couple of times. She tried to kiss Darcy, and said that she loved my girls. She agreed with me that we have had some amazing trips together that were so fun. It really soothed my soul to be ale to tell her how much I loved and appreciated her. I told her I feel lucky she is my mom and I hope I can be like her. 

After that she didn't really respond to me talking to her very much.  I more just talked to her, gave her the medications, and swabbed her mouth out all the time. It was about another week. Erica watched my kids one day so I could be there. Another day when Ellie got home from FSY I spent a lot of time there after she got home. We took the whole family to visit her on Sunday, August 6th. We had been coordinating as siblings to stay with her so we could make sure she got her meds on time. It felt so important that we give her the meds at the right times so that she could stay comfortable. We headed home that evening, and about an hour after we got home I got the call that she was showing signs of actively dying. What a weird phrase. I raced  back up there when she was still alive. We were all very teary and solemn, but eventually we stared singing with the ukulele and telling Lake Powell stories. Her breathing and heart rate calmed right down. I ended up spending the night there with my siblings. It had been a long time since we had all stayed there together. The next day I spent the day helping my dad clean out the toy closet. It is interesting how the the only things that matter are what you have memories with.

The next day on August 8th, my mom passed away at about 10pm. We were there as a family, but I regret that we were all just going about doing things instead of sitting right with her. David is the first one who noticed. We all gave her hugs. My dad asked me to explain what I was feeling. That was hard. It felt impossible to feel buried by the shock of my own grief while trying to talk him through appropriate feelings. I told him about how Darcy had told us recently about how Grandma is still going to be alive after she dies, and she is going to be so happy. I really hope so. She deserves happiness that is completely free from physical and mental pain. My dad wanted to pray together as a family. We waited for the nurse to call the time of death. I was so so tired, but I wanted to come home. I drove home late at night, and John went with me to the mortuary the next day with my family.

My dad picked out a gravesite and a casket. I picked out the eyelet liner to the casket. We talked about how she didn't want a traditional service, but we still wanted to gather for a burial service. I was so glad that John could be there for me that day. Of course at this point we were all sick with covid and school was starting, and it was all insane. I ended up being in bed mostly for the next two days. It was hard to wake up feeling sad, but not remembering for a moment, and then in just a second, "Oh yeah, Mom died." It was so hard. 

It didn't hit me until a few days later that I was the one who gave her the last dose of morphine and anti anxiety medicine. I know that she couldn't continue on as she was, but it eats me alive that I am the one who gave her the medicine which actually drugged her enough that her body died. I don't know how to make peace with that--only that I was trying to make her pain free and comfortable. Also, I didn't want the end of her life to be extended. I wanted her to have a good quality of life and then when it was time to go, to go quickly. I hope she wasn't in too much pain in the end. 

After a couple of rest days, Kayla, Patti, and I went to the mortuary to dress her in her temple robes. It was so sad, but also really important to me to do this last thing for her. It was a crucial goodbye step for me. I put my temple apron on her and took her hand embroidered one. 

I was surprised at the number of people who sent flowers just to me. It was kind of them.

The burial service on Aug 14th was so sad, nice, and ridiculous, and heart wrenching. We sang Primary songs that I picked out, but of course there were campfire songs sung. We gathered around her casket with my family and my siblings. It was touching. Aunt Carol and some of the Armstrongs came as well. Dad tried to give a speech, but Darcy ran off during it. She was still so in love with Aunt Miriam from her weekend at her house. Miriam was holding her, and then Darcy was just having enough and took off to explore the grave decorations. Kayla told me that she felt like that was the moment she felt Mom was with us. Kayla and I picked out the flowers for the casket. They were the ones that seemed the most like Mom. After, we all ate at Golden Corral. It was such a small way to celebrate someone who is at the very foundation of my life, but on the other hand it was just perfect. 

We got roses for each of the grandchildren to lay on her casket. I also picked out the songs--"I Often Go Walking" (we changed the words to Grandma) and "My Heavenly Father Loves Me." 

I was so grateful to have my siblings to support each other. 

It was a hard day. 

They both lost their spouses, now they just have each other. 

On Aug. 18th, we had a memorial gathering at the Slaterville church. It was the one thing that I could get Mom to agree to--main dish salads and pie and a gathering of people. We didn't do the main dish salads, but we could do the pie and the gathering of people. The Relief Society was so kind to put on this for us. We didn't have any kind of RS luncheon so I hope it was okay. They asked if they could do all kinds of dessert or if it had to be pie--it had to be pie and vanilla ice cream. I know that Mom cringed at the lack of people pleasing with that insistence, but she deserves pie. 

We set out tables with some of Mom's things. It was sweet to see her things mixed with the flowers and plants people had given. I had a bunch of teary conversations that night, but maybe the one that got to me the most was when Sandra Spencer came up to me and hugged me so tight. She was crying more than I was. She told me that my mom had told her several times how Mom felt like she had a special connection to me and my family, that I had included in her my family in a way that my siblings hadn't and how much my mom valued that. My mom had said something like that to me before, but it was soothing to hear that she had told someone else that. It was a little funny because I had the urge to tell Sandra that she should lower her voice so my siblings wouldn't hear. :) 

There were a few other funny moments from that night--when Steve Lowe told me that they loved our family, but then had to clarify that they didn't love my family (they don't know my family), but our family in general. Remembering that has made me chuckle many times. 

Another sad moment was when Sandra Saunders and others felt like they had to confess to me that they hadn't been very good friends with my mom. It was like they were looking for forgiveness for not showing up when she needed them most. That was weird. I wanted to tell them "Well, it sounds like you weren't really a friend during her time of crisis." I don't even know what I really said, but mostly just listened. 

I had some friends from my childhood show up to support me, which meant so much. My friend McKenzie Romero lost her mom shortly after we graduated high school, so we definitely commiserated together. My old ward friends Heather Milne and Lindsey Slater came as well. It was so kind of them to take time to show up for me. 

I was surprised who didn't show up. I probably shouldn't write this down and remember it, but my best friend didn't come and neither did any of John's family. That was hurtful. I will say that Erica texted me a lot throughout this process, and tried to show up in other ways. 

We gathered at my dad's house afterwards and watched my mom's video that Patti made. It is beautiful and heart wrenching. 

Big happy smile despite crying so much that day. 

I have a whole bunch of photos of my mom in no particular order, but I wanted to include them here. What an amazing life. What a loss to me. But in some ways, I think we all hope for that kind of passing, with those who loved her best gathered around her. 

Bryce Canyon, walking with Miriam

Timpanogos Cave

Yellowstone

Yellowstone with baby Eliza

I crocheted the hats one year for Christmas

Goblin Valley with toddler Eliza

Thanksgiving Point with toddler Eliza

Versailles 2012

Versailles with baby Miriam 2012

French Gardens 2012

Eiffel Tower 2012

Luxembourg 2012

Normandy Beach 2012

France with Baby Miriam 2012

Mont St. Michel with baby Miriam 2012

France with Baby Miriam 2012

Bryce Canyon 2012

Cuddling at our house in Phoenix with Eliza and Miriam

Bryce Canyon 2017

Cove Fort 2017

Driving to the Tucson Temple Open house in the rental van.

One of the zillion of times she came to visit in Phoenix and found some random fun thing to do with us. 

Phoenix park with fairy houses and picnic. 

Dying Easter Eggs in Phoenix. 

Niagara Falls 2019

Maid of the Mist 2019

Brooklyn Bridge 2019

Manhattan Temple 2019

Pyramids of Giza 2005

Oregon Coast 2019

Miriam's baptism 2019

Carnegie Hall 2019

Carnegie Hall 2019

Overlooking Jerusalem 2005

1984?

South Mountain, when they came for Eliza's baptism 2017

Caribbean Cruise 2001

One of a zillion tea parties.

Sedona 2021

Lake Tahoe 2021

Colombia 2022

Panama Canal 2022

Cabo San Lucas 2022

Hot tubbing on the Panama Canal cruise 2022

Butchart Gardens 2022

Sea to Sky Gondola, Canada, 2022

Walk around Stanley Park, Canada, 2022

2018? One of the tons of puzzles we did together.

Baby Darcy loves Grandma so much!

Butchart Gardens 2022

Panama Canal 2022

Water skiing at Lake Powell

Lucas Family Reunion

Luke running to Grandma

Marc's reception in DC 2006

December 23, 1986

January 2, 2007

Dancing at my wedding

Snowman Party when Ellie was a toddler

Fancy 80s clothes

All of us kids gathered around our mom. 

Utah Shakespearean Festival gear

My grandparents took their daughters on an African Safari. 

One of many trips to Lake Powell with toddler Ellie

Mom came to visit us in Orem too. 

Taking Grandpa to the zoo

Helping us get ready to move to Phoenix, 2013

Driving back to Phoenix after John's grandmother's funeral, 2014. 

One of many times walking in the desert. 

Hot tubbing in the old apartment in Phoenix in the winter. 

Making temple cookies before going to the Gilbert Temple open house, 2014 

Desert walking

Going on her mission 1972

Kids taking her picture. 

Lake Powell

Cordoba Argentina

One of many times visiting the Desert Botanical Garden in Phoenix

Yosemite 2016

Long Beach 2017

I hope she enjoyed getting our hand made cards every year. 

Bear River 4 wheeling 2018

My mom loved playing games. 

Her patience seemed endless even if her energy wasn't. 

Half priced Sonic Shakes. She loved a milkshake. 

I can't believe it took us so many years to go to the Musical Instrument Museum, but we made it and she loved it. 

Easter at our house. 

She loved the MCO concerts. 

Thanksgiving with Grandma. 

Times Square 2019

Rockefeller Square 2019

Another MCO concert

So cute

Lake Powell has so many good memories.

Baby Miriam's first time at Lake Powell

Easter aboard the cruise ship, 2022

Rio de Janeiro 2001

Playing with Darcy on cruise to Cabo 2023

Petra 2005

2003

My mom had the longest hair at one point. 

All the handmade shorts.

When we were going through Mom's clothes, we found this suit that was handmade by Grandma and my mom. It was for her mission and is shown in many photos from her being a missionary, including in the bicycle photo above. Sheila told me that they had to handmake a lot of their clothes because everything store bought was mini skirts. I couldn't believe that when I tried it on, it fit me! I have worn it to church 1x so far, but really love it and am sure I will wear it many times again. 

Rice pudding on Christmas Even

Lynette Lucas Deru passed away on August 8, 2023, after a 5-year battle with progressive supranuclear palsy.  She was 71 years old.

Lynette was born in Ogden, Utah, the eldest daughter of Jack and Elna (Cobabe) Lucas. The family, including younger sister Sheila, built a house in Slaterville, where Lynette spent the bulk of her childhood and adolescence. Her family traveled widely but returned year after year to Lake Powell. She graduated from Weber High School, attended LDS Business College, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Food and Nutrition.

Lynette served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Cordoba, Argentina.  After her mission, she married Joe Deru in the Ogden Temple. Lynette worked as a private chef until the birth of her first child, and then she and Joe built a home in Slaterville as well, next to her parents, where she lived the remainder of her life.

Her favorite callings in the LDS church were related to music, even better if she could teach children’s music. She attended the Church Music Workshop with dedication for years to help her fulfill her calling as the primary music leader. She played the organ in Sacrament Meeting and in the Ogden Temple until her feet would no longer find the right notes. When she traveled, she collected musical instruments as souvenirs, and then she took them to nursery to help the youngest children find rhythm and learn about the Savior through music.

Lynette brought that same enthusiasm to other hobbies such as long-arm quilting. She gardened, first for food production, then for trees and flowers, eventually obtaining her Master Gardener certification. The fruit trees gave way to ornamentals, and nothing brought her quite as much satisfaction as mowing her lawn. She continued to travel as her family grew, announcing at each Christmas where she would be taking her children and grandchildren the following summer. She funded the trips with her part-time accounting work for The Bookshelf for nearly 30 years. Always, she centered her life and love on her children and grandchildren.

Lynette is survived by her husband Joe, sister Sheila Armstrong, and sister-in-law and sister-in-spirit Carol Jean Ortega, as well as by her four children, their spouses, and 15 grandchildren. Lynette requested no traditional funeral services, and the family would like to invite friends, neighbors, and loved ones to enjoy pie and ice cream instead on Friday, August 18, 2023, between 6 and 8 PM, at the Marriott-Slaterville LDS Church (250 N. 1500 W., Marriott-Slaterville City). In lieu of flowers, Lynette would want you to plant a disease-resistant tree you love in a place that needs it.